Today, I've been thinking about "belonging." I've had times when I felt like I fit perfectly, and times when I wonder if anyone can truly understand me. And I am sure that everyone has gone through this.
When I was in elementary school, I was pretty popular in my class but did not care, my only concern was imagining with friends. In Middle School, well, everyone was awkward, and I don't think I ever really truly felt like I didn't belong.
In High School I was fine, until my senior year when I slowly lost friends for reasons unknown to me. I found myself in tears with the feelings of loneliness. I'm not looking for pity, everyone has gone through it, and honestly, my life was not meant to intertwine with those girls any longer.
Generally, I felt like I had a place in grade school, and now I know it is because I was a complete reflection of my parents. I didn't know who I was separate from them, and a lot of that is due to my fear of being a nuisance to anyone...so I was (and often still am) compliant and a dim version of myself.
College is the best time for self discovery! Being weird or quirky is encouraged by your peers, and I found plenty of life long friends there who saw a brighter version of me.
Now...well, I'm an adult. And often there are expectations about what an "adult" does and is. It doesn't escape me! It is funny that I feel the least comfortable with myself as an adult. In some crowds I feel like I'm "rebellious" with teal hair, and strange thoughts about life. In others groups of people I find myself in, I'm just normal.
In an attempt for creative inspiration I was listening to Vice Verses by Switchfoot. Some lyrics in "Where I Belong" say:
When I reach the other side/I want to look You in the eye/And know that I've arrived/In a world where I belong
It occurs to me that I'll never belong, because I'm supposed to feel out of place in this world.
I don't belong here.